Wedding Registries are Overrated. Can I Have Another?

Ah, more from the blog:

Today, as I stood chopping at a couple cloves of garlic, I thought, isn’t there a kitchen gadget designed for this specific purpose? I remember once seeing and dismissing the tool, thinking, why would I ever purchase an item built for only one, very specific task? What a waste of space and money.

Woe is the garlic clove cursed to my hand.

Turns out mincing garlic is a mess. A sticky, stinking mess. Generally, I clunk through it sufficiently but now, I am becoming self-conscious of my overly coarse garlic and wondering if that garlic smashing device is a time-saver as well as face-saver. What will those future, imaginary dinner guests think of our misshapen garlic bits?

Get a load of the congruous squirts this guy makes. I just can’t compete.

Akin to the gravy boat, it made me wonder, did I miss my one chance to get all these household gadgets for free? Am I forever burdened to prepare my own food by hand?!

      Weddings are when people give you mountains of shit to fill your new home so it feels human. Tool-wielding, junk-collecting human. Always wanted a demitasse saucers in case you host a tea party? Put a set of six on the wedding registry. Oh! Remember to request the eggshell white, so it matches the oversized coffee mugs and just-for-looks french press (who honestly has time to prepare pressed coffee?).

But girls like me, we forfeit the toys of playing house. There were no such kitchening gadgets on our registry. Household toys and honeymoon were nixed in exchange for moving across the country to go to graduate school. Now that I think of it, Alex is a damn good sport to allow for this living-broke-but-learning stint to count as a honeymoon. And he hates Boston! (I’m so glad I made him dinner yesterday…)

After all, who wants a brand new ceramic dutch oven a few months before packing it up to haul across the country? Even if it is an adorable cast iron red, it weighs more than all my clothes put together. Or that paella pan? It’s nearly the width of an entire piece of luggage.

How to cook with it? I  don’t know. But I can use it as a suitcase.

Impractical! Illogical! It must go!

Or never arrive. Better to have never loved the items of consumption than to have loved, owned, broken, lost or never used at all. 

Plus, in all my extra minutes of chopping by hand I revel in these life skills I am polishing. Other newlywed girls will never know the fine art of clumsy garlic cutting; I only hope they can live with such a gaping hole in their beautifully accessorized lives. 


Read more and more and more, direct on the blog, The Unconventional Newlywed.

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